27 June 2007

i miss you


i'm dying, i really am.

everywhere i go, i get reminded of my times in tokyo. i miss my friends, i do. i've been emailing them, exchanging photos, sending small video clips...

it's killing me, and everyday i regret making the decision to leave.

it might have been the right choice, given my circumstances. but sometimes, right decisions are hard to make, and to put it bluntly, really suck.

i'm emailing my friends almost everyday these days. which is something we used to do anyway, just that now we can't meet up and hang out like we used to. and it's really hard keeping in contact with about 81 people (that's the number i counted in my address book) but i'm trying. especially with my handful of really close friends.

i miss them, i miss my japan, i miss speaking japanese, and i miss smap.

god i miss smap.

i can't even explain to you how much i do, but i do.

a long time ago, a friend once asked me why i liked them so much. my reply was,
"i can't explain it, but they are my medicine box."

yeah, laugh all you want, but it's true, and i'm never ashamed to admit it.

a while ago, when this blog first started out, i talked about some very low points in my life. between the time i was 18 to 20 years old. my darling misty, was dog-napped, badly abused, and had died. i could not, and would not, come to terms with her death, and spent days just crying and asking "why?".

then my family started having its own problems, which left me hurt, sad, and above all, angry. furious. i would go to work then come home, and we'd all be arguing, and i'd cry almost everyday. i was so, so angry with so many things. angry that my family was fighting, angry that we couldn't stop fighting, and angry with myself for losing my dog.

the devil was living in me and nothing, absolutely nothing could take away the pain.

after my dog died in march 2001, i started watching sad dramas, just so i could have another outlet to let myself cry. for the first time in my life, i watched a japanese drama, and one of it was called "beautiful life". i almost died watching it... you might think that's an exaggeration but it's not. i cried like mad, and i couldn't stop, and if people could die from over-crying, i would have.

takuya kimura
, member of smap, was the leading actor in that drama. it wasn't a love at first sight thing... but maybe because my dog had died, and because there was death in the drama, i felt such a connection, because i could feel the pain that the actors felt, and that pain was real, because it was in me.

well i found out he was a member of a group, and bought their latest concert dvd to have a look. i couldn't understand a word they said, and i knew none of their songs, but i was hooked. hooked because for the first time in months, i could smile and for the first time in months, my mind was free from all the shit that had been going around in my life.

smap became my drug.

those 2 years of my life were the worst times i had ever experienced, and many times i did feel like dying because i just had nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to.

i love my family so much, but things happened the way they did and we were arguing nonstop. i think we managed to somehow hurt each other as much as we did, only because we loved each other that much. and it was painful. the only things that kept me going were shadow, my other dog, and smap. i remember hugging shadow with tears streaming down my cheeks, and saying sorry. and i remember crying myself to sleep at night, with earphones on listening to my favorite smap song.

i bought a million things of theirs'. albums, concert dvds, tv shows, anything i could get my hands on, anything i could afford. i grew to love their tv shows and their pranks and antics. i couldn't figure out what they were saying, but just watching was enough to make me laugh. and at that point in my life, they were the only ones who could put a smile on my face.

my sister, who was going through the same shit i was, got hooked as well.

everytime we had an argument at home, we'd go to the tv room, pop in one of their dvds, and with all our swollen red faces and tear-stained cheeks, we'd laugh.

smap became my escape from the hell that i was in. a haven i could go to when i wanted to forget. they were my angels when i felt like i wanted to die.

so i fed my addiction in anyway i could. my sister and i would fly all the way to japan to watch their concerts, and trust me that ain't cheap. but we figured, what's the point of saving all that money when it's not gonna make you happy? they aren't that good at dancing, and they're probably worse in singing, but none of that mattered because they are such great entertainers.

we spent every last cent on smap, laughing and enjoying ourselves through every minute of their concerts, carving those memories in our minds. because when we came away from tokyo and went back into the real world, when we felt down again and thought that it was pointless to go on, we'd remember how we laughed and had fun in japan, and we'd push ourselves to carry on. because of smap, we had a tomorrow.

while i was still in school, plans to go to new york to study came to nothing, and i gave up that idea to work and gain some experiences. at the height of all my problems at home, i had been working for two years after junior college (high school). i was tired, and drained, and i needed to just go away. i told myself that i couldn't take it anymore, and that if i didn't go away, i really might die, one day if i ever had that "courage" to try and take my own life.

so i packed up my bags and left for japan.

because it was where smap was. because they was my heaven.

but it was tough at first. i had no friends there, and i had never lived alone before. i was lonely, and i still had a huge hole in my heart that only time could heal. but everytime i felt down, everytime i shed a tear, i could turn on the television, and on one of those channels, smap would be on television, and i could forget everything again.

i spent almost 4 years of my life there, doing what i had always dreamed of doing. i mastered a new language, which i never though was possible. i made a whole horde of foreign friends, which people told me was impossible. i learned how to use a sewing machine, i learned how to make my own clothes, i learned how to use the washing machine, i learned how to cook my own dinner, i learned how to wash the plates, i learned how to do housework.

but most importantly, i learned to love myself.

it's been 6 years now, since i've become a fan. and it's a love that will never fade away or die.

it might sound corny, but many things in life, i owe to smap. my life even.

leaving tokyo was really hard for me. i 'd left everything i had here in singapore, and went to tokyo to start anew. and i never thought i would be leaving tokyo, let alone come back.

it's been 46 days now, since i said goodbye. to my friends, to my home there, and to smap.

i cried so hard on the plane i had allergies.

ever since i got back, i've been keeping myself busy. with hockey, with various errands, with both my english and japanese blogs, with anything that can keep me busy. because the moment i stop doing something, my mind wonders back to how much i miss japan and how much i miss smap, and how lost i feel without them.

on the plane back from melbourne, smap's album from last year, pop up smap, was playing on the plane's audio system (we took singapore airlines). i listened to it the whole 7-hour ride. i was so happy, i was almost delirious. i was smiling and singing along and almost dancing in my seat.

i love smap. i really do. i've watched so many of their tv shows, enough to know that although they all have a "media" face, they are the sweetest, most wonderful boys inside. (most japanese variety shows force their stars to portray their true selves) i miss them, and i hate being so far away, and although i'm looking forward to a new life in new york, i hate that that's even further.

but thank you god, for letting me find smap.
because when things inside me are all torn apart,
they were, and still are, my solace.

ps: and thank you gala, for your recent post, that reminded me of how important smap was to me, and how, through them, i learned to how laugh again.