30 April 2007


oh my god i just received THE email!!!!
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my GOD!!!
like, THANK YOU GOD!!!
i'm like going nuts now i can't think straight.
i've called home
i've called all my friends back home
i've called all my friends here in japan
i've posted up on my japanese blog
and i'm posting here now.
oh man i'm like hypertension-ing right now
and my heart is beating SO fast!!
i'd actually just got back from dinner.
it's like 2:ooam now and i'm home and
just going CRAZY by myself!!
bye bye tokyo,

28 April 2007

last goodbyes

i met up with some friends the day before (27th).
went to my friend's apartment in roppongi before that,
and surprise, surprise,
there are some nice sunsets in tokyo after all.
(although with all the buildings blocking it,
you don't get to enjoy it that much)

what was way better, though,
was the view from her bedroom
yeah baby,
tokyo tower
in all its glory.

i just love how it's lit up at night.

so my friends and i went for
yakiniku is basically barbecued meat,
mostly beef and sometimes pork.
in japan, the beef is of great quality
(well, depending on how much you pay).
the people here eat all sorts of meat,
yeah even the tongue,
but i draw my line at intestines.
but the meat...
oh the meat......
it is usually pre-seasoned,
but then you can sprinkle salt,
or dip in a special sauce,
or let some basil butter melt over it,
or maybe dipped in raw egg.
i'd say you haven't had a japan gourmet experience
until you've had yakiniku.
and i'd also say you ain't no meat lover
until you've had japanese beef.
we went to ryukaen in roppongi, where the owner,
mr yamauchi, promises the best yakiniku experience
(and he delivers) but shoutaien in ginza
is just as delicious.
depending on the grade of meat you order,
some of the best meat (with A5 class
being the highest rank) can be eaten raw.

god i love yakiniku.
i need to go back and eat a couple
more times before i leave japan.
i also need to have
more sushi before i leave.
my favorite sushi joint EVER
they have many branches and
each one is always packed
and with a long queue at any time.
there is a reason why.
the food is fresh and cheap and good.
i love it.
especially their eel and
flamed fatty tuna bellies.

then yesterday, i met up with 3 friends from bunka.
well it was supposed to be with one more friend,
another foreign student from taiwan.
ACTUALLY, it was supposed to be his small goodbye party!
but the bugger called to cancell
at the last minute! sheesh!!
so we just talked, 3 of us.
one of my friends is helping her dad at his restaurant
which sounds totally tiring to me.
another friend has just started working as a patterner
in a company that makes mens suits.
another friend had started working in sales
at the main hugo boss shop in
tokyo's fashion capitol,
they were describing their jobs and well everything
just sounds so exciting.
speaking of which,
i would probably hear results of my admission
this coming week.
shit, it's really freaking me out.
just thinking about it makes me wanna pee in my pants.
so i went out to the 7-eleven store just a minute away,
to grab some chocolate snacks.
i've been eating these since i was a kid.
these babies never fail me.

26 April 2007


my air steward cousin, sebastian,
came to town 2 nights ago.
he's with the famous singapore airlines.
yeah that's right, he's zippin' around the world
and getting paid for it, dammit.

i hadn't seen him for many many months.

the last time i went back to singapore was last year in august
and i've only been back about
twice a year since i've been here.
i meet up with the whole family each time i go back
and the cousins usually do meet up for a drink
but we haven't had the chance to talk much
in the last few years, so it was kinda nostalgic.

i met up with him the first night at this
japanese food/drink place called "wan".
if any of you are coming to japan for a holiday,
this is a good place to go.
it's good food and a good japanese-y atmosphere
and decor, and oh, it's good food.
i bring all my tokyo-visiting friends there.
even my sister's addicted.
we go there at least twice, each time she comes.
then we went to a bar called L Plus in azabu for drinks,
where we took this picture.

i think we hadn't had a picture together since...
god knows when.

yesterday i met up with some of his fellow colleagues
and it was pretty interesting,
talking to them, hearing some on-board stories,
and just seeing what kind of people he works with.
he seems to be having a lot of fun which made me
really happy for him.

we went to ueno, to the famous ameyoko-cho,
which is usually packed with people during the festivals,
and is usually really crowded any other day.
while there are clothing stores and
shops selling bags and shoes at a discounted price,
people, or rather, I go there for the huge packs of
japanese crackers and snacks at wholesale prices,
good to bring back as japan souvenirs or to pig out myself.
i also go there when i want to get good and cheap dried foods,
or raw fish, salmon roe or
sea-urchin (sounds gross but it's yum) to bring back
to singapore for my parents.

it was SO hot in the day but it started to rain all of a sudden,
which really spoilt our shopping trip.

but then we went for coffee after that and i ordered this.
it's a desert very popular in japan,
called caramel honey toast.

it was so sweet i think it almost made me diabetic.

speaking of nostalgia,
my sis recently sent me some pictures of my
baby brother, jorim.
only he's not so baby anymore.

he's currently in the singapore army,
compulsory for the guys in singapore.
well well, there are a lot of different views on the topic,
but so far i've seen many friends enter and
become men,
so if it makes our boys mature into men,
it can't be a bad thing.

besides, it turned my brother from a fair,
never-did-sports, computer-game-loving,
fat tummy dude,
to a trim, tanned and NO tummy guy,
in just 3 months!!

he recently finished basic military training,
and my sister took pictures at the "graduation" parade.
i was so impressed.

check this out:

before & after
and all together now,

so anyway, i'm booked to go back to singapore,
in about 2 weeks or so.
i've been packing up my room and it's full of boxes,
and all-in-all, the mess is just irritating me.
i'm really sad to leave but i guess,
saying goodbye is a part of life.
i'll be glad to go back home and spend
a few months with my family though.
and shadow.
i'm really looking forward to being with her.
she's already 13, and getting older by the day.

putting things into boxes also means
i'm going through fragments of my life
from the past 3 years.
i look back at photos and smile.
japan has been really good to me,
and i'm forever grateful.

24 April 2007

maybe he is alive

something funny happened last night.
i recieved an email from the lady who gave me
my portfolio review when i went down to parsons
in march.

so obviously i wrote her back immediately,
telling her about the email i had received,
and that it honestly came as a huge shock to me,
blah blah blah.

then an hour later she replied, saying,
"I have your application on my desk.
I can assure that it will at least get reviewed this week."

"We'll do our best - cross your fingers!"

THEN, she emailed again almost immediately,
asking who it was who had emailed me,

because it was technically incorrect, and they are trying
to locate that person.

like holy cow what in the world is happening?


so she's being so nice and sweet and
helping me out here.

basically i wanted to write her an email saying
"i love you."

i swear i actually clapped my hands together,
looked up at my ceiling and said,
"thank you god! but PLEASE SAVE MY ASS, GOD!!!"

so she's asked me to wait cos they have their
weekly meetings, i think every thursday or friday,
and she'll let me know the outcome early next week.

oh god i really think i might die from a panic attack.

my heart's been beating so fast these last couple of days,
if ANYONE were to do anything to scare me right now,

my heart might over-beat and give one last good jolt,
and stop working altogether.

on a brighter note, i met up with suzie today
for just a while. she'd saved me a slice of cake...
you know, from that surprise birthday party of mine

that i didn't attend.

thanks suzie.

but actually, what she doesn't know is,
if i add this cake, to all the other pieces of cakes
that i've eaten with other groups of friends,
i've already eaten FIVE!!!

yeah i know, i turn to food
whenever something shitty happens.
it doesn't help that shitty things happened
around my birthday, so suddenly,
all my broke friends became really generous
with all the cakes and puddings!!!

and DAMN. desserts in japan are just to die for.
i mean food, here, it's just too yummy to be true.
i never used to turn to food, but it started
ever since i came to japan.
i think it started when i first came.
you know, no friends yet, so all i had was the couch,
my best friend the telly, and my best-est friend,
the triple-choc fudge chocolate brownie.
or my other best-est friend,
the double-consomme potato chip.
yeah they are really good buddies.

i'll introduce you one day, i promise.

see how fat my cheeks are?
it only took me 3 and a half years to get those.
not bad huh?

so i would like to dedicate my cheeks to
mr brown and mr chip.
SANKYUU (read: 39 in japanese. ie, thank you)
very much.
i couldn't have done it without you guys.

23 April 2007

where are you god?

that's a question that i haven't asked in a long time.
i do sigh and think about things sometimes,
and in the quiet of my room,
i occasionally have conversations with god.

but it's been long time since i actually wondered.
where are you god?

i mean, i've believed since forever.
i was brought up with jesus in my life.
and no, i can't deny that i'm a lazy christian.
i dont give offerings all the time,
and i swear and all...
but i do repent, and i do believe,
and i always thought that was all that mattered.

i'd always had, more-or-less, a smooth-sailing life,
until i was 18.
it's been 6 long years now,
but the memories are still alive,
and the wound in my heart is still raw and fresh.

one of my dogs were dog-napped.
i searched for her everyday for hours,
putting up signs and calling every shelter or vet i knew.
a week after she disappeared, some vet called.
apparently, someone claimed they saw
misty getting knocked by a taxi,
and had dropped her off at the vets'.
but it was in a place so far from our house.
and my baby was so badly injured.
her pelvic bone and one of her hind legs had broken,
and the internal bleeding was so bad,
her entire body had turned purple.
the doctor said it didn't look at all
like a car had knocked her, cos
there weren't any external injuries at all, not a scratch.
rather, she might have been abused.
the same doctor then told me she'd be ok.

luckily i had the sense to take her somewhere else,
where the vet took one look and immediately hospitalised her.
she couldn't stand, let alone walk.
and she was in such pain, she couldn't eat.
we would send her in for drips each day,
and bring her home at night.

for the first time i had to buy a dog muzzle.
misty had never bitten me before,
but just moving her slightly was painful, and she would snap.
there were times when i changed her bedding,
that i wouldn't put on the muzzle,
and just let her bite me instead,
so that i could also feel her pain.

i cried so much that week.
each time i looked at her, each time i saw her wince.
i would hold her for hours, saying 'misty, i'm so sorry'.
countless times, i knelt and put my head to the ground
and i begged god to please heal her.
please heal misty,
please heal my baby.

shadow (misty's sister of the same litter),
would sit in the corner of the room, and cry too.

i really begged god back then.
but i never once thought that misty would die.
i just believed.
i even took misty to church and everyone prayed for her.
and i knew god would not let her go like that,
not suffering, not dying in pain.

there were these songs, that i would sing out to god,
basically asking him for help.

'heal me o lord, and i will be healed.
save me, and i will be saved.
heal me o lord. and i will be healed.
for you are the one, i pray, you are the one i pray.'

'god will make a way, where there seems to be no way.
he works in ways we cannot see, he will make a way for me.
he will be my guide, hold me closely to his side.
with love and strength for each new day,
he will make a way, he will make a way.'

all my life i had believed, that when you ask, it shall be given,
and if you prayed, that the doors will be opened to you.

a week after misty came back home,
she died.

i think up until her death, i refused to believe the possibility,
that she might die, even though the vet told us to be prepared.
the toxics in her body from the fractures and bruises,
were too much for her poor liver and kidneys to bear,
and her internal organs had failed her.

i couldn't stop crying.
not for over a year.

i hated myself for not bringing her for more walks.
i hated myself for not loving her more.
i hated myself for not being able to do anything to ease the pain.
i hated myself for believing, that she might survive,
and that belief made me ignore the option of putting her to sleep,
the option of letting her go.
i hated myself for believing in god,
that he will heal her, and give her back to me.

and in the end my faith was in vain.

the next few years of my life was hell.

there were many reasons that i can't type here,
but my family had a lot of arguments,
and day and night we were all shouting and screaming at one another.
i was so angry and hurt, and each day i cried out to god,
begging him to stop all the pain.

but the quarrels went on.
for 3 years, my prayers, my whole family's prayers,
went unheard.
there was so much hurt and anger at home.
i love my family, i love my parents,
i love my sister, and i love my brother,
and i would do anything for them,
and they for me.
but things happened the way they did,
and we just couldn't stop getting into screaming fights.
my uncle and the business had a lot to do with it,
and it was all his fault, and everyday i wished he would die.

i left home for japan at 20.

although i have to admit that a large part of the reason
for my coming to japan was because of smap,
the bigger part of it was that i just had to get away from home.

when i first got here, i couldn't speak the language,
and i had no friends.
i can't explain to you the loneliness.
it was my first time living overseas,
and my first time living alone.
that hit me really hard, but i guess
being alone at that point of my life,
was a lot better than having to deal with the pain at home.

many years have passed since then,
and i have in some ways reconciled with god.
i still ask him why, and i still don't know why,
but somewhere deep inside of me,
i still do believe.

the email from parsons had really shocked me.
i think the shock was so bad, i went past the crying stage,
straight into 'numb'.
i had been tense all day,
and because of all my asthma and breathing problems,
i've been feeling breathless too.
i think writing about misty, was almost a good thing.
for more than a year now, i had been trying to block that memory away.
but thinking about misty today, has released a whole lot of
pent-up tension and emotions, and i needed to really cry.

the whole day, i just stared at the tv, and tried to sleep most of it away.
i watched smap's concert on dvd. ever since misty had died,
and my family went into war or something, they have been the ones
to always make me laugh, and always lift my spirits.

so i did just that, i watched some smap.

i was supposed to go to my friend's party,
but i told her about the email and said i'm sorry i'm just not interested in
going to a party and mingling with new people,
and pretending to be happy when i'm not.

she told me to take it easy, then she said that it was actually going to be
a surprise party for me, and she had even ordered a cake.

i guess a huge part of me felt really guilty. i was thankful, really,
but i just couldn't go.

so here i am at 24, sitting alone in the dark.
it's been a bad week, and not a very happy birthday,
in fact, it might not be a very happy year.

but you know, i've been through worse times.
i can handle this.

i'll stand up again on my own two feet.
i can do that on my own.

but, dear god,
you've been silent in my life, the last 6 years.
and each time i reached out for you, you weren't there.

i need to know if you are still there.
i need to know if i can still count on you,
i need to know if i can still believe.

because trying, and giving my best shot,
didn't make it for for me this time.

and if believing would only make me fall harder,
then i think my flicker of hope might just bl
ow out.




here's a pic of shadow. isn't she precious?
the photo was taken 2 years ago, when she was 11.

and these pictures are of misty.
my princess who mirrored me in temper, bite, and many other traits.
i miss you girl.

21 April 2007

i'm having a heart attack

i'm not kidding. it might not be a real attack,
but it sure feels like one.
my heart is pounding so hard
i think i might even get an asthma attack...

i've been stressed out lately,
waiting for the results of my university interview,
like i mentioned in '24'.
the school was the
parsons new school of design,
and i was hoping to transfer in
with my credits from bunka.

rewind to 2006.

my dad decided that he wanted me to graduate from university
and not some fashion college. i had no interest in university,
but since he insisted, i decided i'd go to fashion university
and get a BA in fashion. ever since then i'd been working
to build my portfolio and with school exams and all,
it was really hard.

it was a decision between st martins in london
and parsons in new york, but my dad said, parsons...

cos the euro is really expensive.

so these 5 months now, my entire future
had depended on getting into parsons.

but i guess, that won't be happening anymore.

i just recieved an email a few moments ago
from the parsons administration.
i had emailed them a few days ago
to ask about the status of my application.

'At the moment, you application has not been decided on. However, we do make decisions in the order that the date the application was complete. We keep reviewing until we hit the maximum number of qualified applicants that we can take. This week, it is likely that we can have accepted as many students as we can this year. While this is not a definite decision, it is likely that your application will not be accepted due to the date it was finally completed.'

it hit me like an bomb.

never mind the spelling or grammar mistakes.

what do they MEAN, 'the date it was finally completed'??
i submitted it before closing date,
and i thought that was all that mattered.
i had NO idea at all that it was on
some first-come-first-served basis...
did i miss reading that important detail
somewhere on their website?!!??

i don't know what i am going to do now...

i am really disappointed and although
i probably should call home now
and tell my parents, i can't...
i can't do that knowing how much it would disappoint them.

so now i really am screwed.

i got accepted into university here in japan
but blew that chance cos i wanted to enter parsons instead.
i also had to tell my landlord that i won't be
renewing my contract, since i had to leave the country.
i mean, my student visa here has already
changed to a 90-day tourist visa.
i hadn't gone looking for a job here in tokyo,
cos OBVIOUSLY i thought i'd be studying in new york.

i had a plan b... st martins... but now that parsons had told me
'it is likely your applications will not be accepted'
which in real-world-language actually means, 'you're really fucked',
i have basically zero confindence left, a
nd st martins would probably send me a big N-O-NO too.

i think i really might faint.

my friend is throwing a party tomorrow
and i promised to go,
but now i really just want to bury myself in a hole.

what i am going to do...??


20 April 2007

fruit tart

i went to get my hair cut today.
manabu's the best.

i never ever decide beforehand what i want.
basically i go to the salon, sit down, give a blank face,
he suggests something,
and i go, 'OKAY~!'
i dyed my hair black about 3 months ago
and got totally sick of it,
as i always do every few months.
i bet manabu hates me. hurhurhur.
today he gave me highlights
then dyed my whole head a light pinkish brown.

I LURVE IT!... and i love HIM!

really, i love manabu. what will i ever do without him!!
i go to the hairdressers every 4-6 weeks and always
leave happy and satisfied.
it's like eating a chocolate bar.
only you don't get fat.
i mean, finding the perfect hair stylist
who knows exactly what you want,
is almost impossible!
how will i ever find another manabu if i leave japan!

my friend took the photo of me on her mobile...
but the wind blew and you can't see any pink.
heh heh.

we went for speed-shopping after my haircut in aoyama.
as always, dresscamp is fabulous.
there was this hat that i really liked
but maybe a bit too loud, and also,
this trench coat for USD760, or SGD1146.
which, i mean, it was a freaking coat for DRESSCAMP!!!
i thought that was surprisingly cheap.

well, i'm so bloody broke now i can't
afford it, but GOD i wanted it.

went to undercover after that.
undercover is still one of my favorite brands,
but i'm not sure what's gotten into jun takahashi's
(the designer) head. i mean, undercover is known
for being unusual and just out of this world.
not everyone can carry it off.
of course I can lah. nye-nye.
when he came up with 'but beautiful',
he was like my fashion idol.
then he came up with another collection of the same title,
which made me think,
'hmm... is he out of ideas?'
but i mean, it was still good!
THEN he came up with really pretty dresses and jackets
for the spring/summer 07 collection.
i mean, yeah they are nice and pretty,
but if i wanted something pretty
i wouldn't buy undercover, i'd buy chloe.
you know what i mean?
i'd just seen it on style.com.

it's even worse. bleah.

didn't go see comme des garcons today but will probably return to have a look soon.

susie treated me to a fruit tart which i brought home to eat.


18 April 2007


i turn 24 today (19 april). at 17:46pm to be exact.
i can't believe i'm bloody 24.
maybe because i'm not sure i'm happy with where i am at 24.
in fact, do people actually begin blogs on their birthdays?!
i actually have a blog in japanese, you know,
for all my cool japanese friends.
but some time last week i decided i needed another one in english.
if that makes sense.

at 24 now, i actually am at a real turning point in my life.

after junior college (equivalent of high school? maybe)
i refused to go through the regular university route
and worked for 2 years. well,
with a lot of shitty family problems in between.
then i left home for tokyo, where i have been
for the past 3 and a half years.

i just graduated from the bunka fashion college
in tokyo on march 14. or was it 15.
then i flew to new york for a school interview and holiday.
basically my parents want me to finish university,
and since it's gotta do with fashion, i agreed.

the problem now is that i have to leave japan in 3 months (cos obviously my student visa has expired and i'm on tourist visa). so now i am packing up my room that i have spent 3 years in, and
HOLY SHIT i have so many things!!!
and really i hate to pack. packing and leaving and starting afresh is something i did when i left home and came to japan all alone.

it was really hard.

i couldn't speak the language, there were cultural barriers,
it was my first time living alone
and i was lonely.

after 3 years, i finally am able to converse without problems,
and have made sooo many friends!! i still get very lonely,
but finally i had been able to call this place home.

so packing up and having to leave my new home is really sad.
i'm seriously dreading it. i already cried like shit when we graduated,
i think it's gonna be worse when i really have to leave everyone.

add that to stress and you'd understand
why i'm like tearing my hair out.
basically i'm waiting for the results of my interview from new york.
they said it'll take a month but the wait is really killing me.

i mean,

what if i don't get in?? *horrors*

i'm already packing up my life here. and i don't exactly have a plan b.

if i don't get in i'm fucking screwed... shit...

i think i'm a bit cranky cos i haven't slept all night.
my friends are either all still in school or have just started work
so even if they do join me for dinner tonight,
it'll be just for a short while.

but i'm happy with just a short while.
i just really want to spend every last moment i can with them.

also i really really want to eat a huge chocolate cake.

heh heh heh.

oh well. it's about 13:30pm. i think i should stop packing, go sleep, wake up at 6, then go meet my friends.

here i was at 23 on my last birthday...

and here i am at 24.

school-less and jobless.
and broke.
but having the time of my life.