01 January 2008

happy new year!

it's the new year! i can't believe 2007 went past so quickly. i was in japan till may, then i came back to singapore for 3 months, which was my longest break back home since i had moved to tokyo 4 years ago. then i moved away to new york, and now i'm back here in singapore again for my winter holidays. it all seems so surreal.

i made some new year resolutions at the start of 2007, and, if i may say so myself, i think i did pretty well in making most of them come true. here are my new ones for the year:

  1. practice my japanese relentlessly and never forget it!
  2. pick up french.
  3. stay in touch and not get lazy about keeping in contact with friends
  4. learn how to cook better!
  5. sleep.
  6. eat healthy.
  7. laugh. and laugh.
  8. be thankful for each day.
  9. grow up and act my age.
  10. love myself more so i can love others more.

i also hope to start my own business on the side, and hopefully not burn out from lack of sleep or poor time management. i'm really hopeful for this new year.

i'm going to turn 25 in a few months.
it's kinda scary. when i was younger, i had envisioned all sorts of things happening by the time i was 25. but things don't always go according to plan, but i am quite happy to say that i'm really satisfied with how everything has turned out.

i have had opportunities that would never be available to most people, and how many people can really say that they are really living their dream? i know i am, and i'm really grateful.

one thing i need to think about though, is that after over 4 years of getting used to living alone, i have gotten used to being by myself. although i have had relationships in that time, i still kept my own private space, and i like it that way. now i'm thinking, am i ready and willing to give up my space and time, and open up my heart to someone else? i don't open myself up very easily; i've always had problems doing so. i take a while to warm up to people, and i don't openly show that i care even when i do.

do i go all out and reach for my own personal goals, or do i take a step back and let myself enjoy life a little more with someone else? i can't be bothered with childish, trivial relationships with a person i don't see a future with, hence i don't and never have gone on casual dates. i hate clubs where proper conversation is impossible, and on the extremely rare occasion that i do go, i find myself with an amused scowl and thinking, "all these kids rubbing against each other - thank god i wasn't brought up like that."

maybe i do need to change my mindset. but then again, i was brought up with a very certain set of values that i do treasure, and i'm not sure i'm willing to give that up for anything. i'm not someone with a super high IQ, but i know i'm not dumb and i believe myself to be intelligent enough. i'm stubborn and when i want something i find it hard to listen to others, even if i know i should. i love to laugh and i love to make others laugh, and while my sense of humor may be rather sarcastic and crude sometimes and offensive to some, at least others think it's funny! i know what i want in life and i know i can make it happen for myself without having to depend on someone to lay it out in front of me.

maybe when i get older, i'll regret going about on my solo goals and leaving no space nor energy in my life to find that perfect someone. but then again, i don't wanna slow down or wait around for that person to appear.

people always say that "the one" is always right there when you least expect it. i look around myself and all i see are people that i do love and have built great friendships with, but no, "the one" isn't there. maybe i am being really picky, i'm not sure. what i do know is that i am looking for someone who shares a similar sense of humor, and needs his own space and gives me my own to breathe, and who is really smart and intelligent, someone i can respect and learn from. i don't think i can spend time together with someone who makes me think he isn't all that smart, which is a mean thing to say but hey, at least i'm being honest.

so although i'm in a holiday mood now, in just 2 weeks, i would be back in school and busy with my life. a friend once said that one shouldn't be too satisfied and happy with his single life, or he'd never go out there and find a partner. my reply was that i can't be bothered to go out there and "look" for someone, and yes it's too much work and i don't have the time for all that. to which he said, "well you don't wanna grow old alone, do you?"

i couldn't reply.

maybe i'm not giving myself, nor love, a chance. i've grown up with a whole lot of stubbornness, self-pride, and perhaps a little too much independence. if you knew me personally, i'm really a huge tom-boy and i think i have more guy-is traits than some guys themselves - so much so that when i see some women who just pretend to be helpless when they really aren't, i absolutely scorn and detest them for whining their way through things.

ah well. the new year has begun and i have all sorts of plans for myself. i'm enjoying life now, although i have to admit that it gets lonely from time to time. hopefully, i would be on my way to greener pastures by the end of 2008. hopefully, i would be one more step to achieving my ambitions in life. hopefully, as i hit 25, the only lines i would get on my face are those from laughing too hard.

i am optimistic for the future. i know i will become the person i want to be.
hopefully, there will be someone to share it with, somewhere out there. beneath the pale moon light. someone's thinking of me, and loving me tonight. somewhere out there, if love can see us through, then we'll be together somewhere out there, out where dreams come true.

and all that kind of mushy, positive stuff. heh heh.

"if you do things well, do them better. be daring, be first, be different, be just."

by the late anita roddick, the body shop founder, who passed away at 64 from a brain haemorrhage in september 2007. it's a really beautiful thing she said, and something we can definitely live by in 2008 and beyond.