don't mess with me

so i was supposed to register for next semester's classes on friday at 8 am. i've been having such a busy week, i've hardly slept at all. well, to be brutally honest, most of it was just due to my utter lack of time management. i was supposed to do things over the weekend that i didn't, and everything just got pushed back, such that i was really just doing homework the nights before they were due. and of course, according to our favorite murphy and his (or is it her) law, everything that could mess up messed up, and i spent hours working on something that should have taken me less than half that time. in other words, i hardly slept all week and was a walking zombie. and i sure looked and felt shitty too. in the words of my darling friend anthony, i was a "train wreck".

on thursday night i spent a couple of hours pouring over the online registration page, deciding on my classes, and writing everything down. "all set!" i thought, and looked at the time. it was like, 3 am, and i was about to faint from physical exhaustion. i contemplated going to sleep because my bed and blankets were looking rather delicious, but i knew that if i had gone to bed, i would NOT wake up at 8 o'clock to register and get into the classes i wanted.

so i did what every crazy idiot would do (don't try this, kids): i stayed up all night. la-di-da-di-da. doing nothing. so what, right? well like i said, i hadn't slept in days. well yeah i wanted to get some work done, but seriously, my brain was not having it. it was shutting down, just like my eyes were, so i just sat around and watched x japan's yoshiki videos on youtube. (yoshiki is so damn cute i can't take it. sorry takuya, but i'm having a huge affair with yoshiki now. ooh! but don't worry you're still my one and only true love.) i had never heard him speak english before, and it was only after this youtube-ing episode that i watched videos of interviews that he had given in english. (here's one that i thought was hilarious. and here's another one when an employee pissed him off.) he's much better than i thought!! well he should obviously be fluent enough after living in los angeles for 10 years eh? he still speaks very much in japanese-english though. it's hard to explain but they have their own accent. and excuse me, why didn't anyone tell me he had a myspace page??? and he actually writes a blog too, for his own myspace as well as violet uk's. oh my god the way he writes is so cute. the best thing? he personally views each comment before they are published. (which also explains why the comments on recent entries are "0", because it's taking him months to go through hundreds of comments for each post.)

i gushed to my friend about yoshiki the other day, and she's no fan of all these japan bands that i love. (and to all you haters, i'm really not a teenybopper but when it comes to smap and x japan, i'll become a groupie if i could. pffffffffffft!!! *major wahahas*) she took one look at this video of yoshiki that i showed her, and she was like, "wait. isn't he really similar to that other guy you like?"

and i'm like, "his name is takuya and whaddya meeeean? what are you talking about? are they?"

"honey, they speak the same way they act the same way they smile and laugh the same way and they look like twins when they have sunglasses on. maybe you just like their noses and cheekbones. and maybe you just like it that they are so passionate about something."


wow. i felt like i had been to some quickie drive-thru guru or holy psychic mind-reader, who pointed out in simple words exactly what i like in guys!! i wanted to pay her 10 dollars. but of course, friends shouldn't pay friends. services like that within friends are for free!!! hahaha.


erm, strayed too far from my topic.

well i youtube-d yoshiki all night, and spent a few hours smiling like an idiot at my computer screen. at about 7:45 my roommate's alarm started going off (she's from parsons and had to register too), so i took a final look at all the classes i wanted to get.

at 7:59 i tried logging into the registration page. "you are not permitted to register at this time." said the system. "ok fine, so i was a minute early," i thought. i tried again at 8:00. at 8:01, at 8:02, and about 47 times at 8:03.

WHAT THE HELL WHAT'S UP WITH THIS PAGE!!!!

i walk over to my roommate's room and ask her if she's managed to log in. "yeah i'm in but like all the classes i want are already filled up."

"WHAT!!! i can't even log in!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

i went and dug through my mountain of random papers, and found the number to call up the registrar's office. when i called them, and complained that i can't log into the system and theybettergetmeinthereasapbecause *gasp* idon'twannagetintosomelousyclasswithlousyteachers, guess what the woman told me?

"the system says you're not permitted to register at this time."

HELLO WOMAN, I TOLD YOU THAT!

she wanted me to call up my fashion advisors and have them call her again to fix the problem, because they had to be the ones to give her the go-ahead and let me register. "why can't you call them directly and speak with them on the phone?!!??!"

i was nearly yelling.

"i can't do that ma'am."

"HUH?!?!?!? why not?!?!?! that's just pointless and makes absolutely NO sense. i'm losing out on precious minutes here."

"so you should put the phone down and call them as soon as possible ma'am."

i realized obviously that i was talking to a friggin' bafoon (is there such a word?? it's a mix between a baboon and a fool. i like this word. i just came up with it while typing. because she really was a fucking bafoon.) so i went "WHATEVER!!" and hung up on her, and tried calling my advisors in the fashion campus.

the head advisor didn't pick up the phone. but i got over that quickly since she never helps anyone anyway. i didn't know the extension for my other advisor but managed to get to her through the voice activated machines. i told her my problem and she said that she will have to call the registrar's office, let them fix me up, then they'll call her back, and she'll email me the moment she gets the phone call.

"b, b, b, bu, but how long's that going to take!?!?" i was boiling so much i started to stutter.

"i don't have control over the system so that's the route we'll have to go."

"ok but please hurry because my roommate's telling me that the classes are filling up really fast."

"don't worry because there are enough classes for everyone."

"that's not the point. the whole reason everyone's rushing in to register at 8 am is because there ARE preferred classes, and i'm not getting anything i want even though i tried to register on time, and it's not even my fault! someone on the school's side messed my system up and i don't see why i need to pay for it."

"....well let me just call them and we'll try to hurry this process."

i know she is actually a really nice advisor. but seriously, this is NOT the first time that the parsons administration people have fucked up big time. i mean, they fucked up before i even entered the school. i am learning a lot in that school and (most) of my teachers are really imparting a lot of knowledge and skills to me which i totally appreciate. (although the key word is, "most".) but for god's sakes, someone needs to take all these admin people by the toes and hang them upside down so that blood will hopefully rush to their brains and start up those rusty machines in there.

it's terrible and i know i'm not the only one bitching about them, although i bitch quite a lot at any chance i have. UGH!!!!!

i couldn't take it because my head was pounding, so i went to lie down and set alarms on my iphone like, seriously, every 15 minutes. just so i keep myself at a half-awake mode and not fall into deep sleep ala sleeping beauty, and wake up a century or two later.

i received an email from my advisor at 9:39 am.

i'm not the greatest person on technological stuff, but i'm not that daft either. how long does it take to locate my name in their system, especially when no one else has my name and they already know my student id? how long does it take to check a few boxes like "allow student to register for fall 2008?" and click a few mouses? does it reeeeeeally take more than an hour?

i could have baked an entire pie in that time, ok. not that i bake pies, but i could have!

and of course, all the classes i wanted were filled and the sections were closed, and i had to settle for classes that were not my initial preferred classes.

i hate them hate them hate them.

when you're operating a university as big as the new school is, and a school as old and as famous as parsons is, you really have to get your act together. don't bitch to us about our attendance and about how we should do this and that, when as a university, you mess things up yourself. the only reason why this school is fabulous is because of its teachers. as for all the administration, it's a pity that those who really try hard aren't getting praised, because there are bigger idiots who mess things up so big all the time it's hard to even realize their good moments. i don't know why my parents are paying US 40 grand a year for fees when we have idiots like that running the school. where the hell is my money going to??? why can't we even get decent irons that work properly? how much is a freakin professional iron? i don't want some lousy 300 dollar piece of crap that at-home seamstresses can buy. did you guys watch one of the later episodes of project runway in season 4, i think it was when roberto cavalli was guest judge, when jillian was panicking about not finishing her dress on time, and she got fed up with the irons in parsons? i remembered watching her curse at those stupid things and i remember saying, "YES!!! EXACTLY!!! thank you!"

plus, they send out emails telling us to vote for some student senate, and some other email about a competition on "what would you do if you had $2000 to spend?" or some amount like that. well how about updating the machines in school?

it's disgusting and i'm dumbfounded. flabbergasted. i don't even wanna compare it to bunka because bunka's facilities were top-notch and amazing. parsons should be ashamed of themselves. and they should really take a trip to tokyo and have a look at how great the amenities are there. HMPH! with a capital H!


another hellava bitchy post
from your favorite first-class bitch,

gilda xox

4 days of hell

some of you already know what happened, but here's a quick rundown of the nightmare i had experienced the past 4 days.

all was well and i was living life as usual, but early saturday morning at about 2 am new york time, i got a few calls from my parents and a friend, saying that they have received an email from "me", saying that i was stranded in africa and had no more money, and to please send some over immediately.

what the real situation was, that i had been so tired from all my final projects that i had knocked out and was asleep in my apartment in manhattan!!

while i was sleeping, someone from africa/nigeria/benin/wherever, had hacked into my computer and then to my email account which is linked also to my blog, and then to my bank account.

so cut the long story short, i just went to hell and back and it wasn't a fun ride at all.

this guy had emailed every single person that i have ever emailed before, which includes all friends and strangers, impersonating me and asking them for money. some were pissed off with "me", thinking that i, the real gilda, was trying to extort money from them. some were really worried for me and perhaps almost fell into the traps of those identity thieves.

they had also hacked into my paypal and online bank account. i hurried to the police precinct to make a report, and tried all sorts of ways to contact google but for 3 to 4 days, i was left stranded by myself, and trust me, i might have been joking all about it but i was a total wreck.

not only was i worried that they might wipe out my entire bank account, i was worried one of my friends might actually transfer money over to them before i found a way to warn them, and i was worried they might find more personal information about me and god knows what they could do with that. identity theft is really scary.

(i was also worried i might lose this blog, and that's like months of thoughts, lost forever!!!)

i just managed to get back control of my account, and in the meantime i have reformatted and reinstalled everything on my macbook.

add all that to the stress of my final projects, and i was ready to explode. you know how you get so anxious sometimes, you can't even breathe?

that was me.

anyway, it's 5 am and i've been up trying to contact and explain the situation to as many people as possible since i got back access to my account about an hour ago, and what i really should be doing is my work that i'm supposed to hand in tomorrow!

thank you, all of you, who were so worried for me the last few days. some were worried that i was really trapped in africa and needed money, some were worried that i was getting too stressed over the whole situation. whatever it was, thank you, and i'll only get better from now.


well, back to more sketches i guess!! more updates and a proper post on what happened in a couple of days. in the meantime, take care, of yourself and of your computer and of your identity!!

learn from my mistakes, people, and make sure your computer is a secure as it can be.

minus one layer of skin

thank you all, who have emailed me or left comments of encouragement after i announced that i looked devilish. i read everything, had a good giggle and really lifted my spirits. because many of you said the same thing!! here is one of those precious emails, sent to me none other than my favourite pink star, gala.

"Hi sweetheart. First of all, good on you for taking a proactive stance & doing something about your skin. It is awful to have a visual reminder of an unpleasant time in your life.

Anyway, I am sure your skin will look beautiful soon! Just make sure you follow the doctor's orders. This entry kind of reminds me of SATC when Samantha gets a chemical peel... hee hee, & turns up to that book launch looking terrifying! Anyway, stay cute :> xxx"

it was funny because when i first did the laser treatment, i left the dressing on all day as told, and only took it off at night to bathe the zapped areas. first thing i said was, "bloody hell. i'm samantha..."

here was my reply to her:

"hello gala!

thanks for your email!

YES OH MY GOD I AM SAMANTHA. that was the first thing that came to mind when I came home and took off the dressing!! i need a black hat and a blacker veil than what samantha wore to the book party, you know, as the beekeeper. oh god oh god oh god. actually, 2 other people emailed me to ask if i looked like sam jones, which i thought was really funny. my brother asked me to drive him down town today so i did. i think i also gave the guy in the car next to me a shock. i don't look as scary as samantha cos well, she had a peel done to her whole face. mine's just my cheeks. but it looks awful enough and i don't have any of their fancy wardrobes to make me happy. well haha to me i guess.

anyway it is getting better, but not fast enough. hee hee.

thanks :)

with much love and bees,
gilda"

carrie:
there she was, my plus one, minus one layer of skin.

you look like beef carpaccio.

samantha:
women shouldn't have to hide in the shadows because they've had cosmetic surgery, which society nearly demands of them.

yay for samantha. i love you sam jones.

i look like the devil

disaster number one:
i was supposed to color my hair on sunday. when i called up to confirm my appointment, the machine picked up my call. apparently, something cropped up and the salon would be closed for the day.

what the....

so my hair remains faded and ugly and i am not pleased.


disaster number two:
some of you might remember me mentioning that i've been seeing a small black dot. well, i got that checked out. i paid $300 to get some tests on my eyes done, which included a pretty cool test where i had to stick my head into this dome-shaped machine, and hold onto a clicker. extremely small lights would go off inside the dome, making it look like little stars in space. quite pretty. everytime i saw a light go off, i had to click. it was to test my vision field, so i had to look straight at this knob in the centre, while the lights go off all around the globe. my test results came back so-so, which i thought wasn't a good sign although the doc said it was nothing to worry about. however, upon closer examination, he said that i have very thin eyes.

i was like, "excuse me?" i would much rather have been told that i was very thin (har har), but i figured in an instant that being told that i had thin eyes, was not a compliment of any sorts.

our eyeballs are covered in a layer of skin or something. i'm not very good at all this, but i think he was trying to explain it to me in simple words. the skin on our bodies flake off, something we all know. apparently, because the layers protecting my eyes are very thin, what i'm seeing is actually a fragment of the layer when it "flaked" off.

bloody hell, i never knew that was remotely possible.

so he asked me if i've been seeing flashes of light as well, which would mean that the layers have already torn and i would need to get corrective laser surgery done to seal the skin back.

well i haven't been seeing any flashes, so he said i could get preventive surgery done, but it wasn't necessary. the best thing would be to take care of my eyes and to come back immediately if i ever thought i was seeing any flashes, or more black dots.

fuck. it scared the hell out of me because i would literally be lost without my eyes. the thing is, i've always had very sensitive eyes. the slightest bit of dust would irritate them and they would be the itchiest shit on earth. smoky, hazy situations make them red as well, and i always have to carry medicated eyedrops with me. he said that even sports can aggravate the situation, which is extremely baffling.

i think he scared me so much, i'm even imagining flashes of light. it's worrying to think that something could happen to my eyes and that i might one day go blind.


disaster number three:
a while ago, i also blogged about my insecurities about my skin. i used to have seriously bad acne. like really bad, so bad i hardly ever went out, except to go to work. all that has cleared up now, thank god, but the acne also left scars on my face.

it's no big deal to some people, but it has bugged me for 5 years now. i look in the mirror sometimes and i hate seeing those scars. because they remind me of a time when i was 19 or 20, when i was going through the worst time of my life. not only did i have full-blown acne and lose all self-confidence, i was going through a lot of family shit and i really spiraled down through hell.

things have gotten better within my family now and life has never been better.

but scars remain, in my heart from all the hurt i once experienced, and on my face. emotional scars heal over time, but those scars on my face never fail to remind me of how much i used to hate my life, and how much i used to hate me.

a few weeks ago, my dad asked if i wanted to go get an opinion on my skin, and arranged for me to go see a family friend, who was a dermatologist and plastic surgeon. well i thought i had nothing to lose, so i went along to see him.

he said my scars aren't so deep, and although i have one or two major ones, the rest aren't so bad. so he said instead of doing dermabrasion, or microdermabrasion, which is basically sanding down the skin and sounds awfully painful, he recommended that i try out a laser treatment called erbium yag. i was like, "erbium who??" it is a newer form of laser treatment that is less invasive and has less side-effects. there is also a lesser "down" time, meaning i don't have to be a recluse for more than a week, and should be up and about after 4 to 5 days.

i was left thinking about that for a few weeks.

i have never been against any form of plastic surgery. hell no. if i had the money and the courage, i'd have a new body by now. liposuction? yes baby. but after watching a documentary on it, it scared the fuck out of me and i decided i'd have to be very drunk and very sedated to ever try it. some of my friends have had surgery before. on their faces, on their boobs, on their tummies, etc. one friend had fat from her thighs removed and inserted into her chest and she looked fantastic after that.

and then of course, there are those who are desperate to look like barbie and after 24 surgeries, they become just another sad case. i've also seen pictures of awful surgeries, and seeing those had me reconsidering whether i'll ever try major surgery. because i don't wanna become like that.

since i met up with the doctor, i had been thinking about it and reading up a lot about laser treatments. and i thought, what the hell. i'd just go for it. after all, the scars have bothered me for years. if doing it might make me feel better about myself, then why not? plus, the guy was a professor (which means he's more than the average doc) at one of the biggest hospitals in singapore, and he does have a lot of experience in the field.

so i went.

yesterday.

i imagined it would hurt a lot more. well it was a little painful, but i had some local anesthetic to help relieve the pain. what killed me though, was the smell. from the moment the machine went on, before the prof even zapped my face, the smell of the laser stank up the room and it smelt of burning skin. fuck.

i was scared like shit and i actually kept repeating "help me god" in my head.

the whole procedure was over in less than 5 minutes and the nurse placed an ice pack on my cheeks to help stop the swelling. then she placed these huge-ass dressing over my face and when i looked at my reflection in some glass, i looked like the moon.

the prof said that the swelling should go down in about 3 days, and although my skin is red and raw now, it should heal pretty fast and i was looking at about 5 days of down-time. i could go see him whenever i wanted to if i had any worries, or call him if anything was bugging me.

i took off the dressing last night to bathe the zapped areas. oh god i look like shit. i pray it heals real soon. this better not botch up. i read online that i should keep the area moist, but the doctor told me i don't need to put any dressing, so now i'm leaving it as it is.

i'm actually bloody scared about it. i mean there is a chance that it won't go well. i've looked at myself in the mirror about 371820 times since i removed the dressing. oh god oh god it will heal beautifully, won't it!!??

my brother came home and his first comment was, "what happened to your face?"

then my sis came back and she went, "oh my god.... gil...."

so now, i look like the devil himself. if i were a star, i'd have ended up on awfulplasticsurgery.com. (is laser considered a form of plastic surgery anyway? it is, right?)

has anyone tried erbium yag laser before? or does anyone know of someone who has?

i guess i'll be cooped up at home for as long as these red cheeks take to heal. and freaking out the whole time. bleah. i'm worried sick and scared to bits. fuck fucking fuck.

ps: i would post photos but i don't want to spoil your day.


more reading for the nosey parkers:
cutaneous laser resurfacing: erbium:yag
erbium:yag laser

bonkers

i'm goin' nuts.
i'm leaving japan on sunday morning.
for good.
holy.
i can't take that thought.
i mean, sure, i'm gonna come back again to
watch a concert in summer,
so i know i'll be back again every year.
but, the thought of me leaving all my friends here,
and all the wonderful japanese food,
and oh the fashion, the beautiful clothes...
you can't get clothes like japanese clothes anywhere.
they say paris is the fashion capitol.
for high-fashion, yeah i guess so,
but if you stand in the middle of harajuku,
that's a fashion catwalk in everyday life.

i'm gonna miss all this.


the other reason i'm going crazy is,
like i said i'm leaving on sunday morning.
early morning.
at the moment, it is 4:35am tokyo time,
friday morning (the 11th).

i haven't finished packing.

my house is a junkyard at the moment.

i'm dying
and will probably have a panic attack tomorrow.


i also have a million pictures i wanna put up
but i don't have the time.

plus, tomorrow my computer will be in it's box,
and put on a ship.
two days without a computer (that is also my tv)!!

seriously. i might die.

in any case i've gotta go back to packing.
but i have so many things that i haven't used
for ages and ages but i can't bear to throw them away!!

there are so many things left to do.

i'm in big big trouble.

*burp*

no, i'm not trying to be funny.
i just can't stop burping.

i've never been a burper.
(by the way, is there such a word?)
i never did used to burp.
i could drink a whole bottle of coke and not burp.
it'll be quite something if i burped more than
say, 3 times a year.

but in the last 2 years,
something's like majorly wrong with my body.
i can't figure out what it is.

i think i've stored up all these burps from
many many non-burp years,
and now it's just all comin' right out.
like some never-ending story.

i've been to the doctors to check it out twice.
i've have tubes inserted in me to have a look around.
i've taken my medicines,
finished those damned anti-biotics.
but nothing's worked.

in fact, recently it's just gone from bad to worse.
i think i can burp like 1793728 times in a row.
just burp burp burp burp... bbbbbburp burp bURP.
you get the picture.

it's disgusting.
well I AM disgusted.

the funny thing is that i only start burping when i'm home.
it just keeps coming and i can't stop!!
there are days when it's not so bad.
but there are days when the burps are
seriously never-ending
and i sound like hiccups gone wrong.
you know, not the BURP kind but like b, b, b, burp,
in a hicuppy rhythm.

HAHAHA.

damn, i tried to laugh but it's not even funny.

today is an especially bad day.
my entire tummy is probably filled with gas
(and NO i do not have constipation, thank you very much)
and worse, the burps won't come out,
so i actually feel nauseus and really feel like vomitting.
i get tears welling up in my eyes,
from a burp stuck in my throat.

how fucking gross is that.

when the doctors couldn't find anything medically wrong,
and all the pills they prescribed didn't work,
i tried changing my entire diet.

that didn't work either.

so i've given up and succumbed to burping.
i'm destined to be a 24 year-old girl in a
65 year-old's rotting body.
or is it the other way around.
a 65 year-old in a 24 year-old's body?

whatever.

*no offence to anyone 65.
i have grandparents way older than that.

~sigh~

i can't take this any longer.

i'm tired. literally.
i've been up all night cos you know,
i've been all excited since last night HEH HEH HEH
for very good reasons, and wasn't able to sleep.
which isn't a big problem cos
i have all sorts of weird sleeping hours and
stay up all night many times a month.

but i'm tired from packing my room
(i'm moving), and plus this stupid burp's getting
in my way.
it's just killing me dammit.


oh, sorry if that just all sounded real disgusting.
don't worry.
i'm quite grossed out myself too.
with myself.
ugh.


ps: i recently realised that i'm seeing a black spot.
like when i look at things, there is a small tiny black spot.
when i try to chase it with my eye, i can't.
cos duh, it's in my eye.

so great.
now,
not only am i the queen of the burps,
i've got a freakin' dotted eye!!!

my whole body's probably fucked up.
i gotta get myself checked up when i go home.

OH MY GOD OMGOMGOMG!!!

oh my god i just received THE email!!!!

I GOT INTO PARSONS!!!

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my GOD!!!

like, THANK YOU GOD!!!

i'm like going nuts now i can't think straight.

i've called home

i've called all my friends back home

i've called all my friends here in japan

i've posted up on my japanese blog

and i'm posting here now.

WHO DID I MISS OUT!

oh man i'm like hypertension-ing right now

and my heart is beating SO fast!!

i'd actually just got back from dinner.

it's like 2:ooam now and i'm home and

just going CRAZY by myself!!

ARGH!!!

parsons!!

woohoo!!

bye bye tokyo,
HELLO NEW YORK!

maybe he is alive

something funny happened last night.
i recieved an email from the lady who gave me
my portfolio review when i went down to parsons
in march.

so obviously i wrote her back immediately,
telling her about the email i had received,
and that it honestly came as a huge shock to me,
blah blah blah.



then an hour later she replied, saying,
"I have your application on my desk.
I can assure that it will at least get reviewed this week."
.....(cut).......
"We'll do our best - cross your fingers!"

THEN, she emailed again almost immediately,
asking who it was who had emailed me,
because it was technically incorrect, and they are trying
to locate that person.

like holy cow what in the world is happening?

*blimey*

so she's being so nice and sweet and
helping me out here.

basically i wanted to write her an email saying

"i love you."

i swear i actually clapped my hands together,
looked up at my ceiling and said,
"thank you god! but PLEASE SAVE MY ASS, GOD!!!"

so she's asked me to wait cos they have their

weekly meetings, i think every thursday or friday,
and she'll let me know the outcome early next week.

oh god i really think i might die from a panic attack.

my heart's been beating so fast these last couple of days,
if ANYONE were to do anything to scare me right now,

my heart might over-beat and give one last good jolt,
and stop working altogether.

on a brighter note, i met up with suzie today
for just a while. she'd saved me a slice of cake...
you know, from that surprise birthday party of mine
that i didn't attend.
HAR HAR HAR!

thanks suzie.



but actually, what she doesn't know is,
if i add this cake, to all the other pieces of cakes
that i've eaten with other groups of friends,
i've already eaten FIVE!!!

yeah i know, i turn to food
whenever something shitty happens.
it doesn't help that shitty things happened
around my birthday, so suddenly,
all my broke friends became really generous
with all the cakes and puddings!!!

and DAMN. desserts in japan are just to die for.
i mean food, here, it's just too yummy to be true.
i never used to turn to food, but it started
ever since i came to japan.
i think it started when i first came.
you know, no friends yet, so all i had was the couch,
my best friend the telly, and my best-est friend,
the triple-choc fudge chocolate brownie.
or my other best-est friend,
the double-consomme potato chip.
yeah they are really good buddies.

i'll introduce you one day, i promise.

see how fat my cheeks are?
it only took me 3 and a half years to get those.
not bad huh?

so i would like to dedicate my cheeks to
mr brown and mr chip.
SANKYUU (read: 39 in japanese. ie, thank you)
very much.
i couldn't have done it without you guys.
really.

where are you god?

that's a question that i haven't asked in a long time.
i do sigh and think about things sometimes,
and in the quiet of my room,
i occasionally have conversations with god.

but it's been long time since i actually wondered.
where are you god?

i mean, i've believed since forever.
i was brought up with jesus in my life.
and no, i can't deny that i'm a lazy christian.
i dont give offerings all the time,
and i swear and all...
but i do repent, and i do believe,
and i always thought that was all that mattered.

i'd always had, more-or-less, a smooth-sailing life,
until i was 18.
it's been 6 long years now,
but the memories are still alive,
and the wound in my heart is still raw and fresh.

one of my dogs were dog-napped.
i searched for her everyday for hours,
putting up signs and calling every shelter or vet i knew.
a week after she disappeared, some vet called.
apparently, someone claimed they saw
misty getting knocked by a taxi,
and had dropped her off at the vets'.
but it was in a place so far from our house.
and my baby was so badly injured.
her pelvic bone and one of her hind legs had broken,
and the internal bleeding was so bad,
her entire body had turned purple.
the doctor said it didn't look at all
like a car had knocked her, cos
there weren't any external injuries at all, not a scratch.
rather, she might have been abused.
the same doctor then told me she'd be ok.

luckily i had the sense to take her somewhere else,
where the vet took one look and immediately hospitalised her.
she couldn't stand, let alone walk.
and she was in such pain, she couldn't eat.
we would send her in for drips each day,
and bring her home at night.

for the first time i had to buy a dog muzzle.
misty had never bitten me before,
but just moving her slightly was painful, and she would snap.
there were times when i changed her bedding,
that i wouldn't put on the muzzle,
and just let her bite me instead,
so that i could also feel her pain.

i cried so much that week.
each time i looked at her, each time i saw her wince.
i would hold her for hours, saying 'misty, i'm so sorry'.
countless times, i knelt and put my head to the ground
and i begged god to please heal her.
please heal misty,
please heal my baby.

shadow (misty's sister of the same litter),
would sit in the corner of the room, and cry too.

i really begged god back then.
but i never once thought that misty would die.
i just believed.
i even took misty to church and everyone prayed for her.
and i knew god would not let her go like that,
not suffering, not dying in pain.

there were these songs, that i would sing out to god,
basically asking him for help.


'heal me o lord, and i will be healed.
save me, and i will be saved.
heal me o lord. and i will be healed.
for you are the one, i pray, you are the one i pray.'

'god will make a way, where there seems to be no way.
he works in ways we cannot see, he will make a way for me.
he will be my guide, hold me closely to his side.
with love and strength for each new day,
he will make a way, he will make a way.'


all my life i had believed, that when you ask, it shall be given,
and if you prayed, that the doors will be opened to you.


a week after misty came back home,
she died.


i think up until her death, i refused to believe the possibility,
that she might die, even though the vet told us to be prepared.
the toxics in her body from the fractures and bruises,
were too much for her poor liver and kidneys to bear,
and her internal organs had failed her.

i couldn't stop crying.
not for over a year.

i hated myself for not bringing her for more walks.
i hated myself for not loving her more.
i hated myself for not being able to do anything to ease the pain.
i hated myself for believing, that she might survive,
and that belief made me ignore the option of putting her to sleep,
the option of letting her go.
i hated myself for believing in god,
that he will heal her, and give her back to me.

and in the end my faith was in vain.

the next few years of my life was hell.

there were many reasons that i can't type here,
but my family had a lot of arguments,
and day and night we were all shouting and screaming at one another.
i was so angry and hurt, and each day i cried out to god,
begging him to stop all the pain.

but the quarrels went on.
for 3 years, my prayers, my whole family's prayers,
went unheard.
there was so much hurt and anger at home.
i love my family, i love my parents,
i love my sister, and i love my brother,
and i would do anything for them,
and they for me.
but things happened the way they did,
and we just couldn't stop getting into screaming fights.
my uncle and the business had a lot to do with it,
and it was all his fault, and everyday i wished he would die.


i left home for japan at 20.

although i have to admit that a large part of the reason
for my coming to japan was because of smap,
the bigger part of it was that i just had to get away from home.

when i first got here, i couldn't speak the language,
and i had no friends.
i can't explain to you the loneliness.
it was my first time living overseas,
and my first time living alone.
that hit me really hard, but i guess
being alone at that point of my life,
was a lot better than having to deal with the pain at home.

many years have passed since then,
and i have in some ways reconciled with god.
i still ask him why, and i still don't know why,
but somewhere deep inside of me,
i still do believe.

the email from parsons had really shocked me.
i think the shock was so bad, i went past the crying stage,
straight into 'numb'.
i had been tense all day,
and because of all my asthma and breathing problems,
i've been feeling breathless too.
i think writing about misty, was almost a good thing.
for more than a year now, i had been trying to block that memory away.
but thinking about misty today, has released a whole lot of
pent-up tension and emotions, and i needed to really cry.

the whole day, i just stared at the tv, and tried to sleep most of it away.
i watched smap's concert on dvd. ever since misty had died,
and my family went into war or something, they have been the ones
to always make me laugh, and always lift my spirits.

so i did just that, i watched some smap.

i was supposed to go to my friend's party,
but i told her about the email and said i'm sorry i'm just not interested in
going to a party and mingling with new people,
and pretending to be happy when i'm not.

she told me to take it easy, then she said that it was actually going to be
a surprise party for me, and she had even ordered a cake.

i guess a huge part of me felt really guilty. i was thankful, really,
but i just couldn't go.

so here i am at 24, sitting alone in the dark.
it's been a bad week, and not a very happy birthday,
in fact, it might not be a very happy year.

but you know, i've been through worse times.
i can handle this.

i'll stand up again on my own two feet.
i can do that on my own.

but, dear god,
you've been silent in my life, the last 6 years.
and each time i reached out for you, you weren't there.
i need to know if you are still there.
i need to know if i can still count on you,
i need to know if i can still believe.

because trying, and giving my best shot,
didn't make it for for me this time.

and if believing would only make me fall harder,
then i think my flicker of hope might just blow out.

.

.

.

here's a pic of shadow. isn't she precious?
the photo was taken 2 years ago, when she was 11.

and these pictures are of misty.
my princess who mirrored me in temper, bite, and many other traits.
i miss you girl.

i'm having a heart attack

i'm not kidding. it might not be a real attack,
but it sure feels like one.
my heart is pounding so hard
i think i might even get an asthma attack...


i've been stressed out lately,
waiting for the results of my university interview,
like i mentioned in '24'.
the school was the
parsons new school of design,
and i was hoping to transfer in
with my credits from bunka.

rewind to 2006.

my dad decided that he wanted me to graduate from university
and not some fashion college. i had no interest in university,
but since he insisted, i decided i'd go to fashion university
and get a BA in fashion. ever since then i'd been working
to build my portfolio and with school exams and all,
it was really hard.

it was a decision between st martins in london
and parsons in new york, but my dad said, parsons...

cos the euro is really expensive.

so these 5 months now, my entire future
had depended on getting into parsons.

but i guess, that won't be happening anymore.

i just recieved an email a few moments ago
from the parsons administration.
i had emailed them a few days ago
to ask about the status of my application.

'At the moment, you application has not been decided on. However, we do make decisions in the order that the date the application was complete. We keep reviewing until we hit the maximum number of qualified applicants that we can take. This week, it is likely that we can have accepted as many students as we can this year. While this is not a definite decision, it is likely that your application will not be accepted due to the date it was finally completed.'

it hit me like an bomb.

never mind the spelling or grammar mistakes.

what do they MEAN, 'the date it was finally completed'??
i submitted it before closing date,
and i thought that was all that mattered.
i had NO idea at all that it was on
some first-come-first-served basis...
did i miss reading that important detail
somewhere on their website?!!??


i don't know what i am going to do now...


i am really disappointed and although
i probably should call home now
and tell my parents, i can't...
i can't do that knowing how much it would disappoint them.

so now i really am screwed.

i got accepted into university here in japan
but blew that chance cos i wanted to enter parsons instead.
i also had to tell my landlord that i won't be
renewing my contract, since i had to leave the country.
i mean, my student visa here has already
changed to a 90-day tourist visa.
i hadn't gone looking for a job here in tokyo,
cos OBVIOUSLY i thought i'd be studying in new york.

i had a plan b... st martins... but now that parsons had told me
'it is likely your applications will not be accepted'
which in real-world-language actually means, 'you're really fucked',
i have basically zero confindence left, a
nd st martins would probably send me a big N-O-NO too.

i think i really might faint.

my friend is throwing a party tomorrow
and i promised to go,
but now i really just want to bury myself in a hole.

what i am going to do...??

shit...